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Saturday night, when many others are partying, living it up...I'm…

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Saturday night, when many others are partying, living it up...I'm doing my chemistry lab report.

Most of my hair is still attached to my head. I haven't resorted to pulling it ALL out yet...maybe about 9.893% of it. Which, coincedentally, is my percent yield of ASA. Blah...Chemistry must die. Anyone wanting to assist me in this endevour?

Have to post this, because it's so beautiful and so "me" right now..

"...but friends are lost, more all the time, it's sad to think about it. All those long conversations in vanished kitchens when for an evening we achieved a perfect understanding that, no matter what happened, we were true comrades and our affection would endure, and now our friendship is gone to pieces and I can't account for it. Why don't I see you anymore? Did I disappoint you? Did you call me one night to say you were in trouble and hear a tone in my voice that made you say you were just fine?"
- Garrison Keillor, in Lake Wobegon Days (stolen from Alana)

Today, in church, PD talked about friends and accontability, and he went into the whole "to have friends, you must be a friend" thing. That's something that I've always struggled with, because let's face it, I'm really not a nice person. I try, but I'm really not. I'm shy, and boring, and stubborn enough to know what I want and to say "screw you" to anyone who disagrees with me. I'm very much myself, and myself is not a good friend. That's just how life is.

But once upon a time...myself was a friend. I used to have the greatest friends in the world. Yes, we can blame distance for these particular break-ups of friendships, such as Liss being at CUC, Britt in Nebraska, Reggie in North Dakota. We can blame situations, like not being at the same school, being busy with homework and jobs and boyfriends. But when it comes down to it, we could have all stuck together if we wanted it bad enough. And I think many of my friends, including me, stopped...wanting...

It hurts, and I want to turn back the clock, but I'm afraid to. Something tells me that, well, that I'm too different. It's like when God was handing out personalities, He made me the oddball, and combined with my stubborness, made it impossible for me to ever feel that love, that unconditional acceptance from another human. That's what I need! That's what I crave so badly! Someone to whose arms I can run, no matter the time of day or night, and beg them to tell me it'll be okay.

I had it. But then it went to CUC, and it's not coming back for at least 4 years now. I need to find it again, in a form I can tolerate. I think the need for acceptance has caused my isolation from the world, the pleasure I get from sitting alone in Lockhart Hall for an hour every day. It caused the madness of the summer...it's why I did what I did, because I wanted to prove that I could be accepted, that I was just as good as any other girl. Unfortunately, the results of that went horribly wrong...and that's why I know that SHE is still better than I would ever be, and that another SHE is obviously a close second. That's why I can't let go of what I have now, even though people are telling me that I'm crazy for it.

But enough emo-ism. Back to the rosy facade. Back to smiling. Back to pretending that everything is good. Back to the lab report.

I don't know...why IS water added to the ice bath? Who even cares?

**Oh yea...and one more month, baby!! Woo yea!!**
  • "But enough emo-ism. Back to the rosy facade. Back to smiling. Back to pretending that everything is good."

    that's the most emo thing I've ever read.
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