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January 8th, 2007

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I have to say that this was probably one of the nicest Christmases in a long time. Family, friends, food, and of course, presents...I'd say it was as close to perfect as I could have asked for. Except, of course, it was too short and went by too quickly. I got to spend lots of time with my cousins for the week they were here. We went sledding, built a fort out of the mountain of wrapped gifts in my living room, did a bunch of puzzles because we're cool like that, and went to see a crappy movie. I also got to spend lots of time with Britt and Liss while they were home, and I got to meet little Hailey Renee, who is quite possibly the most precious baby girl I've ever met. For real, she is absolutely perfect...I thought newborns were supposed to be "so cute" despite being red and wrinkled. But Hailey's special - her skin is perfectly soft, pale, and smooth. Doesn't look newborn at all. I love her - she's so great, and I can't wait to watch her grow up.

Now it's time for school again. I should be doing my homework - I'm already getting swamped in Chemistry, and it's only day three. I have a doctor's appointment in an hour that I don't want to go to, and then a Board Meeting at 7 which I strangely do want to go to. I've been organizing my life - and maybe the lives of others - like crazy the last week, trying to make to-do lists and schedules and plans. So far, so good...as long as I can make this weekend work. But now I'm going to do something productive, ie: Chemistry homework...hopefully I can score a grade which will top my A- this term. I know, I'm an over-achiever, eh? Would have been an A if I had only remembered the difference between hydrogenated and non-hydrogenated...oh well.

December 18th, 2006

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All I can say right now is that wasn't my intention, honey. And if you thought I would never figure it out, then you were wrong, because I know how you think, and therefore can think just like you, and therefore can figure out how you felt. Well, I can just say that you misunderstood me. I guess it's contagious.

It really hurts to find out that people slip around behind your back and accidentally let casual comments you say slip out. It really hurts that the trust I have with many people is conditional and weak. But oh well, such is life. I guess all I can say is that I wish you had better faith in me. I wish you would come to me if you have a problem, instead of just giving up on me or wishing that I would come to you. But alas, I have yet to be confronted to my face. If you have an issue, speak up, or please, forever hold your peace.

I know that the person I'm speaking about won't ever read this (and if she does, here is what I have to say: why not be straight with me? Please know that I support your endevours. Please also know that I'm trying to HELP YOU, not HURT you.) I guess I'm just stinging right now, because when I look back, I realize that there were probably a lot of people involved in this situation who weren't straight with me about their feelings. In return, this means that I can never be straight with them about how I felt.

But enough drama. Let's go on to the happier things. Brittany and Elissa are home, and I am so, so happy. Caitlyn is ready to pop any day now. Today was her due date, but I have yet to hear anything from anyone about whether Hailey is now among us or not. All my Christmas presents (except the two that I haven't bought yet!) are finally wrapped, and the tree is decorated all nice and lovely. The Christmas baking was completed yesterday (after a long day...220 perogies later...) and the cleaning of the house is almost done as well. Now, to only wait 4 days until all the relatives come. I hope this is the greatest Christmas ever. I know that sounds cliche, but really, everything seems so good right now (except for the crappy, secretive drama, but even that can go away if no one thinks about it at all.) Let's just hope that the good tidings of comfort and joy will stick around, and that there will be peace on earth, good will toward men. And women. And children too.

December 5th, 2006

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Yay...school is finally done.
That is, excluding the two exams I have to write - one on Friday, one next Wednesday, but still...no more term papers!! Yay!!!

That being said, I should really put some major effort into studying for Chemistry so that I can get an A. I think I can...I think I can...It's multiple choice, for heaven's sake, and I think that I really did do okay on the lab part of the course. Who knows...sigh.

Tonight's the PM Christmas party, for which I am excited. I've got my red dress all ready to go...it's gonna be great!

Tried to do some Christmas shopping yesterday. Apparently Monday night is the best night to brave the malls. Which is probably true - it didn't seem all that busier than usual, maybe a bit...spent most of my time shopping for Hailey. Didn't find a thing! Newborns are so frusterating to shop for...the baby shower's on Sunday, and I'm super excited. Then it's only a week until Caitlyn's due date!! Time sure went by fast...

Christmas is going to be awesome. I'm really excited for it. As long as I can get my shopping done without busting my bank account, I think I'll be alright.

November 18th, 2006

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Saturday night, when many others are partying, living it up...I'm doing my chemistry lab report.

Most of my hair is still attached to my head. I haven't resorted to pulling it ALL out yet...maybe about 9.893% of it. Which, coincedentally, is my percent yield of ASA. Blah...Chemistry must die. Anyone wanting to assist me in this endevour?

Have to post this, because it's so beautiful and so "me" right now..

"...but friends are lost, more all the time, it's sad to think about it. All those long conversations in vanished kitchens when for an evening we achieved a perfect understanding that, no matter what happened, we were true comrades and our affection would endure, and now our friendship is gone to pieces and I can't account for it. Why don't I see you anymore? Did I disappoint you? Did you call me one night to say you were in trouble and hear a tone in my voice that made you say you were just fine?"
- Garrison Keillor, in Lake Wobegon Days (stolen from Alana)

Today, in church, PD talked about friends and accontability, and he went into the whole "to have friends, you must be a friend" thing. That's something that I've always struggled with, because let's face it, I'm really not a nice person. I try, but I'm really not. I'm shy, and boring, and stubborn enough to know what I want and to say "screw you" to anyone who disagrees with me. I'm very much myself, and myself is not a good friend. That's just how life is.

But once upon a time...myself was a friend. I used to have the greatest friends in the world. Yes, we can blame distance for these particular break-ups of friendships, such as Liss being at CUC, Britt in Nebraska, Reggie in North Dakota. We can blame situations, like not being at the same school, being busy with homework and jobs and boyfriends. But when it comes down to it, we could have all stuck together if we wanted it bad enough. And I think many of my friends, including me, stopped...wanting...

It hurts, and I want to turn back the clock, but I'm afraid to. Something tells me that, well, that I'm too different. It's like when God was handing out personalities, He made me the oddball, and combined with my stubborness, made it impossible for me to ever feel that love, that unconditional acceptance from another human. That's what I need! That's what I crave so badly! Someone to whose arms I can run, no matter the time of day or night, and beg them to tell me it'll be okay.

I had it. But then it went to CUC, and it's not coming back for at least 4 years now. I need to find it again, in a form I can tolerate. I think the need for acceptance has caused my isolation from the world, the pleasure I get from sitting alone in Lockhart Hall for an hour every day. It caused the madness of the summer...it's why I did what I did, because I wanted to prove that I could be accepted, that I was just as good as any other girl. Unfortunately, the results of that went horribly wrong...and that's why I know that SHE is still better than I would ever be, and that another SHE is obviously a close second. That's why I can't let go of what I have now, even though people are telling me that I'm crazy for it.

But enough emo-ism. Back to the rosy facade. Back to smiling. Back to pretending that everything is good. Back to the lab report.

I don't know...why IS water added to the ice bath? Who even cares?

**Oh yea...and one more month, baby!! Woo yea!!**

November 11th, 2006

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So I survived the chem test (think I got an A...woo hoo!!), and I'm pretty caught up on homework, which is a good thing. Now I just have to do those 2 stupid term papers, and I don't want to do the formal report for Chemistry. Anyone have any tips as to how to go about doing it, especially since I only got 10% ASA recovery? (don't ask me how that happened, because I really don't know.) C4C and 7S are over, so I think things will be more relaxed for the next few weeks at church (which I think we're all relieved about, because in two weeks, we all have to be on official "Hailey watch." Hehehehe...)

So this is my thought, and I really do want some opinions. Many of you might be described as agnostic, that is, you don't know if there is a God. A few of you think that there is one, but couldn't care less. So I guess my questions, as a church leader, and as someone who quite possibly will spend the rest of her life helping to lead a church, what WOULD make you care?

- What questions do you have about God, Jesus, Church, Religion, Christianity?
- What sort of ways could the church answer your questions?

I have other questions, but I think the two I asked are enough for now. Please let me know honestly, because this is something I need to figure out in an honest way. I've been going to church all my life, and have always been told that Jesus is the real deal, that this is all there is. And even though I've experienced and questioned it many times, I don't know what it's like for someone "outside" Christianity. So leave a comment and let me know so that I can become a more effective leader. THANKS! :)

October 30th, 2006

Friday night at approx. 9:30, I can officially declare "C4C" over until next October.
Not that I didn't love every minute of it, and not that it didn't go well...it's just that I couldn't deal with the pressure of trying to coordinate two dramas a week, having to be at the church 4 nights a week, and feeling guilty about letting my Chem homework sit untouched for "one more weekend..." Plus I was starting to feel bad for making Pastor Dave and his poor family come to the church 3 hours earlier than normal every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, just because I was too uber-excited about the crusade.

But it's almost over, and I can heave a sigh of relief.
Now...to survive...
- next Wednesday's chem test
- two term papers, due end of November
- two more grueling weeks of all day Tuesday/Thursday work
- the snow
- those blasted elder's meetings and accompanying e-mails (in general, like being a church elder. Do NOT like issues that have recently developed :P )

BUT...I can look forward to...
- Sleeping in two days a week
- More time for things I love to do (ie: Connections planning) now that work is almost done
- Looking for that email I'm expecting (he broke up with her...isn't he going to tell me about it? Hmmmm???)
- Organization is finally going to reign
- December arrivals: Elissa, Brittany, Emily, and Reggie all come home
- BABY HAILEY RENEE ARRIVES!!!!!
(I know, I shouldn't be this excited about an illegitimate child born of parents that are too young to handle this. But can I help it that I'm looking forward to having this little girl around?) Counting down the days until December 18...

Life is...not great. But good. I'd have to say...it's pretty good.
Tonight was great. Driving home was not the best at times (saw the cars in the ditch and got a tad freaked out, esp. when my back wheels went wonky) But I got there safe and sound, changed into pajamas, ate soup and tea for lunch and supper, and did a whole whack of homework.
If I keep this up and stay this productive, I just might get those A's I'm dreaming of...

October 16th, 2006

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It's been a while since I posted anything, because I've been so extremely busy with church stuff. Yes, school has been happening, and that's all well and good, but it can all be managed in two "catch-up" days a week, meaning that 5 nights a week are spent not worrying about homework, and all reading can be done on a bus ride.

The church workload is a bit more intense. Board meetings, elders' meetings, crusade planning meetings, practices, Connections...Friday I was there for a good 8 hours (but I started off the 8 hours with a good dose of sugar and caffine, so I endured). People are telling me that I'm going to go crazy and people are telling me that I need to stop it, because I'm going to get stressed out, and I'm going to have a "ditcher"-esque breakdown, but you know what? I don't care, because I'm having the time of my life. My work at church makes me happier than anything else - except for maybe camp. And all this leads me to believe...that maybe all those people who said all those things three or four years ago were RIGHT. And maybe I was wrong.

But if that's the case, why didn't I get my sign? I got the OPPOSITE of my sign! Unless the opposite of my sign was actually my sign? Why is the human mind so degenerated that it can't even tell what HE wants anymore?

Anyway, if you want to come check out what's been keeping me busy, you are more than welcome. I don't possess the courage to come up to anyone and invite them to their face, because I'm so, so incredibly shy. (I think you've figured that out by now.) But anyway, I've been busy with Concrete 4 Christ, which feature music, drama, snacks, ect. every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night for the rest of this month. They will feature a young person from my church talking about a different Bible topic each night - things like Christ, Sabbath, Sin, Salvation, Hell, Heaven, ect. They're going great so far (they started this past Friday). I know that no one REALLY cares about this kind of stuff, but I figured I'd put it out there. I realize that maybe someday I'll push the envelope on all this church stuff, and then I'll lose friends. But that's okay. That's what happened to HIM, and since my goal as a Christian is to be just like HIM, it works out quite nicely, doesn't it?

September 4th, 2006

Goodbye to summer...

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Okay, I'm finally "out of hiding." When I got home two weeks ago, I really didn't talk to anyone. I stayed in my house and did nothing. It was AMAZING. I haven't wanted to go out and do anything. I had such a busy (and incredibly fufilling) summer!

The main chunk of my summer (5 weeks, to be exact) was spent at Camp Whitesand. It was absolutely amazing, and every day I wake up, and I'm disappointed that I'm here. I want to be there so bad...it's indescribable and a little crazy. I think only a few understand what it's like to love that place so much. I actually hurt a little bit when I think about it. But anyhow, time to recount my experiences briefly.

I got to counsel with my best friend during Junior camp - so so fun!! We had a great cabin of 7 girls. Some described our kids as "difficult," which I didn't accept until the last two days. Yes, they were hard to handle at times, but I loved them and all I can do is hope that they loved me back and had a positive experience at camp.
The next week was spent doing kitchen duty, and after that it was counselling for Youth Camp with Brittany! Also super fun!! Youth camp was interesting, because there were only 28 camps, which meant that staff outnumbered campers pretty much 2-1. Our cabin had 5 girls in it, and I can honestly say that it was the best counselling experience I've ever had. (Even though I think I made Tasha hate me for about an hour on the last day...I think she liked me again by the end!)
Then Adventure camp, I was non-counselling...with Elsa! Yay!! Oh man, we had too much fun that week. A lot of us were non-counselling, and there were just some GOOD TIMES!!

Too many good times...however, many memories involve a certain boys' director. Yes, I met a guy at camp. (An ex of a friend of mine, actually.) And yes, we fell for each other hard. His name is Eric James, and I really, really care for him. Yes, I still have a boyfriend, but hopefully when you read this, you'll be mature enough not to judge me and realize that things like this do happen. I already have enough people who I considered close friends turn around and judge me for what happened, and it really hurt. I think it's pretty natural for people to be attracted to more than one guy at once. Besides, it's not like things with Josh were perfect...

Oh well. Things are still too confusing, and until I figure them out, I'll just be remembering...
The water fight, staring at shooting stars, the 15 minute hug, the accidental kiss on the toque, the not-so-accidental kiss on the forehead, wearing a certain gray Texas shirt, being between a rock and a hard place (*dammit, that's profound!!* Lol), folding laundry, "picking" honor cabin, too many stolen glances and making eye contact, games of MASH, trying to get my sliver out with a toothpick "for lil old me", running around with two blonde children, "cuddling" during Victory Lane, that...wave...(*someone just waved at me!*...*you don't know who?!*), the pink penguin, "fainting", the M&M incident, giant hailstones in my shirt, and that moment when all we could say is..."this looks questionable"..."yeah, it does"......"but I'm not going to stop."

And as for the other memories...
The sexcellent food, vegetarian rugby in the rain, Top 10 singalongs, ICELAND!, our Emo board, rodeos, the garter snake incident, Heather being "in heat" and trying to "mount" us, Blistering Speed, Nick spooning the butterscotch pudding, "High adventure" and "outdoor ropes", "Daddy, is that you?", Ricardo's friends, herpetology, ATTENTION!!, pearly shells, Heather's boots, music classes, Days of Elijah, cupstacking, Broadway singalongs in Endevour Chapel, The Jerusalem Encounter, and that one Wednesday morning...that changed things forever.

*sigh*...not wanting to be here...but making the best of it.
So school starts for me on Wednesday (as I do not have classes on Tuesday, Thursday) and I'm not ready. But at the same time, I'm longing for a schedule, something to do so that I won't sit around, waiting for next June, wishing that time would fly by. I need to do something. I've been itching to make a to-do list, but I have nothing to put on it. I've cleaned every inch of space that I can claim territory to. I need to be occupied with busy-work that I enjoy. Who knows...all I hope is that this new year will bring with it guidance from God, encouragement from others, a wonderful blessing for many people that I care about, and finally, a solution...

July 10th, 2006

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Since I had one day of glory to just be at home doing nothing (actually, more like one day to sleep, get caught up on things, go shopping, ect.), I though I'd say a quick hi to all the livejournalers, though they seem to be smaller in number now more than ever. Maybe because after we graduated, we all got a life. Fancy that. Hahaha...
Mexico was FABULOUS. Very relaxing, doing nothing in very humid, 93 degree weather. Got to swim in the ocean and buy pretty jewlery that WON'T change color if I wear it too much - I know, pretty amazing. I got VERY dark, and I only burned kind of badly on my left shoulder, though I think I was a little red every where for the first two days. Subsequently, now the burn is gone but my shoulder is peeling. It kind of ruins the look of my dark, sexy tanned skin. Oh well. All in all, the trip was fabulous.
Now tomorrow starts a new adventure - camp. I love camp and can't wait to go, EXCEPT...I just wish that I had a week between trips. Mexico was great, and relaxing, but then you get home and you just feel so sluggish. It would have been nice to have a week to unpack, do laundry, repack, shop for last minute items, hang out with Joshie, and stock up on sleep, which I will be majorly lacking for the next five weeks. But instead, all that had to happen in a twelve hour period. And guess what - it's 1:27 am...I plan to leave at 7 so I can be there by noon...and I'm not done packing at all! It's great. Luckily, Josh agreed to drive me out there, which should be lots of fun, if everything goes according to plan. I feel kinda bad...techinically I was supposed to start work at 6:00 Sunday night...instead I'll be showing up at noon the next day. Hope Gwen remembers/understands...oh well.
Oh, and by the way, y'all...I'M LEGAL!!! My birthday sucked - it was spent in airports and in plans. My iPod went dead prematurly and I didn't feel like eating all day. So I didn't. That's right, I starved on my birthday. Then my sister threw up, and everyone forgot about me. Happy eighteenth.
Oh well. Hope you all have an enjoyable summer. I shall be back in the city in SEVEN weeks. Stay safe and outta trouble. See you guys later.

June 30th, 2006

Bye everyone!

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Here is the goodbye livejournal entry, as I'm leaving for Mexico in...I don't know how many hours. Very late at night...like 11-ish. And considering that I have yet to finish packing coz my mom is out and I need her help (haha), I thought I would do this.

The past couple days have been fun. Being done spring session, going to Loni's grad, which actually turned out to be super-fun, despite the fact that I was dreading it a little. Then the cousins came (yay!!), so it's been good, good times every since. Went for my last tanning session today (very saddening), but I'm looking forward to getting some REAL sunlight and a REAL tan in Mexico.

I AM dreading...the separation anxiety that's sure to come when I realize that I won't see Josh for eight weeks (save that one day that I'm home), and having to wear a swimsuit 24/7 for the next week. I'm scared that I don't look as good as I think I do, and I'm in for a rude awakening. But I guess it doesn't matter. What matters is that I have one day left with Josh, a few hours to pack, and some very good times ahead. So I'll try to say goodbye to the anxiety for at least this week. Then after that is beautiful camp, which is a distraction in itself. Sigh...

Anyways, if you want to write me a letter this summer, that would make me VERY happy!!! I will be at camp from July 9 - August 14, so make sure that anything you might send gets there in that time.
Camp Whitesand
Box 392
Theodore, SK
S0A 4C0

And that's that! Oh, and if you want a candle made for you by your's truly this summer (coz I think I might have to make a few demonstration ones, and I have enough), then leave me a comment before July 9, and specify the color you want, and I'll make you a candle with much love.
Have a great summer, my darlings! Hope to see you all when I get back! (which will be end of August.) Be safe. Be happy. Have fun.
Love Alexa
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